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11/20/2005 Archived Entry: "You don't belong next to me."

I spend way too much time on airplanes. Unfortunately so do some people who don't belong anywhere near me when I am on one.

Let me help you establish what kind of passenger I am. Quiet. I like to sleep during my flights even if they are during the day. If there is the slim chance that I am awake, I am probably not going to disturb you.
I like to be seated at the back of the plane. The very last row. Why? because no one else wants to be there. That can mean I will very often get the entire row to myself. 3 seats for the price of 1 not bad. I usually have more width than first class. If all three seats are not open I am in the aisle seat usually because I like being able to get up without having to climb over anyone. I was once trapped in an window seat next to a person who was so large they needed an extension for the seatbelt and they really couldn't get up at all. I was trapped there for three hours. I then have always tried to make my choice the aisle seat.

If I cannot I will sit in the emergency row over the wings. Once again the aisle seat. These rows tend to have more legroom than any of the others. So they are not bad seats but because the knowledge that these are roomy seats they are usually the first to go. These rows are almost never empty. Also if you sit here you are required to be competent enough to manipulate the door in case of an emergency. That usually means the person on the window should be in good enough health to remove and lift the door. Most airlines require that the person who sits here be at least 15 years old. They also ask that person be of good enough health to perform tasks that may be required of them should an emergency arise. The flight attendants ask the people sitting in these rows if they are aware of where they are sitting and what may be required of them and if they don't want to participate in being part of this responsiblity they will be relocated to a different seat.

All of that sounds very nice. No one is given a physical or reflex test to make sure. There is no upper age limit because that would be discrimination.

Well let me tell you my anti-discrimination policy recently took a hit. I was on a flight from JFK to San Francisco area. The only seats I wanted that were avaliable was an aisle seat on an emergency row.
I took my seat and then coming after me was a much older couple on their way to see their grandkids. I know this because of the conversation they held at above hearing aid levels. Now the older man doesn't appear too bad except for the fact that he is so frail that if I sneeze he is going to end up in the back of the plane. The tremors with his hands let me know he has a firm grip on .... nothing.This grandfather was seated in the middle seat, which wasn't so bad. Then grandma came to sit, this was bad. Grandma weighs in at over 200 lbs and has an insulin pump on her waistband and can barely see where she is going. She has the window seat. My ability to escape in an emergency is predicated by this grandmothers ability to open the emergency door.

Now I am not a paranoid fearful flier. I love to fly. I do not think each plane is prone to crash. I however am completely astonished when the flight attendant comes up and goes through her speech about the responsibility of those seated in the exit rows and then asks if everyone seated in these rows is willing and able to handle the responsibility of sitting here and if not to let them know so they can be reseated. Ma and Pa Kettle say yes. I politely think to myself that if there is an issue I am using these two as doormats and they will be more than likely either thrown out the plane along with the door by me or they will be impaled to their seats as I crush them under the door as I thrust it into the window and center seat to make room to get through the exit.

So here is my statement if you are not healthy enough, strong enough, and dextrous enough to deal with the emergency door don't sit in this row. If you like your grandparents don't let them sit there if they are not of good health. Because I will kill them to save my ass if I ever have to get out of the plane in case of an emergency and I will not feel guilty about it.

The airlines should also make sure that the people sitting there are of reasonable health also and if there is a question they should relocate the people sitting there. You do not because you are fat or old or both get to sit in the roomiest seats on the plane for those reasons. You need to find a seat somewhere else.

As a small comparison if you are unfit to drive you are unfit to sit in an emergency row.