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12/18/2004 Archived Entry: "How to make millions. Make things convenient."

I hate Starbucks. I am sure I am not the only one who feels this way. However they are the only place open at 5am. I don't drink coffee. I drink chocolate milk or hot chocolate. I drink my hot chocolate from Starbucks with a peppermint added, that's it. No whip cream, no sprinkles, and that's it. Hell, I could even drink my hot chocolate plain with no peppermint. The problem is I dare not order it that way.

In order for you to make millions make things so convenient that your customer base would have to exert a lot of extra effort in order to accomplish the same thing. Starbucks is usually open long before most of the other coffee shops or bakeries are. So I want a hot chocolate and a cinnamon roll. There isn't a 24/7-quickie mart close by unfortunately or I would probably do that. So I am stuck. They get my money because the closest thing that is open in the area. The Corner Bakery Cafe is in the area but they don't open unit 6:30 am and don't have cinnamon rolls ready for a half hour after they open.

So let's break this down to the core issues. I want a hot chocolate with peppermint. I have yet for them to make it right on the first time. When they ask if I want whip cream or sprinkles I say "no." This statement vanishes into the same place socks go once they are put in the dryer (a.k.a. The Twilight Zone). So inevitably they end up having to make it again because they have added whip cream and or sprinkles or to be really off the top cinnamon because they heard me ask for my cinnamon roll. I refuse it and have them remake until they get it right and bang my head against the wall until they do. I hope the cost of repairing the drywall cost more than all the hot chocolates I ordered. I don't dare ask for a plain hot chocolate because that causes the android employees to completely short circuit. It's like some bad sci-fi flick where the robot is given an order it can't process so smoke starts pouring out of it. A plain hot chocolate literally causes them to stop and have to stare at me for 30 seconds while they try to grasp the concept of plain. I can't imagine real coffee drinkers (black, or at the most cream and sugar) not going completely postal on these idiots. I doubt they could make a plain coffee right the first time.

The cinnamon roll core issue. I like my cinnamon roll warm. That means either nuke it in a microwave or toaster oven for a small amount of time. Starbucks is completely incapable of doing this. They can't heat a damn cinnamon roll. I am sure they have some reason for this but I have never been given one that some employee (or manager) didn't just pull out of their ass. So just out of pure convenience Starbucks gets my money. Sure I could make my own at home, stock my own supplies but I want to dedicate my time to other things like sleep.

Business has realized they can hire morons and make millions if they are simply convenient. The greatest villain in this is Home Depot. Their stores stock the majority of items you need to do home repair or small home projects. It is convenient to be able to get your wood, nail, concrete, and paint in one place. I remember when the neighborhood hardware store was where you went for nails and screws, then to the lumberyard and then to the paint store. It was a long day. Now it is a frustrating day. Home Depot consistently has employees who are clueless about the products they are dealing with, or more common is their stores are understaffed to the point where you can't even get one of their incompetent employees to the area of the store you are in. I have literally had to show an employee where the stock was for some material I needed because it hadn't been brought down off the upper shelves and their computer didn't show it as being in stock. I decided I would look one more time. I was able to match the sku on the shelf where the item should have been with a sku written on a box with 2" size numbers. "Gee, guess we do have some of those, sorry my computer didn't show any." said the mensa candidate currently working at Home Depot. Now Home Depot's competition is Lowes, They are a exact clone of Home Depot with a different color paint job on their building. My story could be repeated in Lowes.

So to make millions have a common use product that people purchase over and over, along with the items that goes with it and place right near them. You don't have to have employees who know anything about the product so your not obligated to pay them a lot per hour which counts down on your biggest overhead labor. Unless you are in a union state in which case you have to pay them a lot even though they are stupid. If you don't believe me look at the amount of profit Home Depot has had since it went public on the stock market. You can also look at Starbucks and understand a similar situation.

The scary concept is that my job is based on compensating for this intellectual void. Filling the gaps on jobs for people who aren't capable of thinking for themselves or asking stupid questions in order to avoid stupid mistakes.

My problem is that I forced to settle for a cold cinnamon roll and a hot chocolate that took 20 minuets to make because the listening process of the droid employees have hearing firmware that is still being beta tested.